COURAGE TO CHANGE

NEWSLETTER NO.3 April 2010

WHY CAN’T I LOSE WEIGHT?

During my years of research into emotional overeating, I found one of the major problems that kept people from achieving their goal weight was their toxic belief system.

No matter what they did – what diet they pursued or how much they exercised – nothing happened. Their limited belief system held them back, or their achievements were short-lived. This limited belief system is the reason behind the negative self-talk, which leads to negative feelings, which lead to emotional overeating

Many obese people come from dysfunctional families. This doesn’t necessarily mean they have alcohol or drug-related backgrounds, but nonetheless, their upbringing was not “normal.” The trouble is, many people don’t know what “normal” is until they have been in a dysfunctional environment for many years and the emotional damage has been done, which generally occurs before the age of seven years.

Co-dependency is a pattern of abnormal dependency on approval from others in an attempt to find self-worth, self-esteem and identity. People with emotional overeating problems would probably identify with the words: “people pleasing,” as this is a sweet-sounding name for what, to many people, actually is a serious psychological problem.

Co-dependency is also the extreme exaggeration of natural and normal behaviour with work, eating, spending, sexuality, etc., requiring moderation by changing belief systems.

Not all overeaters have experienced dysfunctional childhoods. There is a percentage of people who have developed co-dependency issues through learned behaviour while living in an unstable environment.

Not everyone has serious side effects from co-dependency. Many can manage life without seeking outside assistance to clear away the debris.

However, overeaters do have a good reason to investigate why their emotions play havoc with food intake, once they learn that emotional overeating is but a symptom of a more serious underlying emotional problem.

People often ask me “what is the criteria to describe a people pleaser?”

PROFILE OF A PEOPLE PLEASER

The personality of the “people pleaser” is someone who regularly puts other people first in a compulsive effort to keep them happy, even at the expense of their own physical and emotional wellbeing. Their insecurities and low self-esteem propel them towards self-medications.

Being aware and responsive to the needs of others is paramount in the normal cycle of life but people pleasers push the concept of “giving to others” to an unhealthy level. They say “yes” when they really want to say “no”, but they can’t. They have this toxic need for the constant approval of others – it’s like an addiction.

Their crippling fears of anger and resentment force them to be “nice” and “people pleasing” as a defence mechanism for their own insecurities. They may appear to be “nice” and “helpful” people but they are only concealing their true anger and resentment behind a mask

A domestic “people pleaser” will cultivate a frantic, unsustainable regime of caring for others – looking after children, cleaning the house, hosting numerous social functions, and slowly wearing themselves out, both mentally, physically and emotionally.

In the work place, the “people pleaser” will over-commit to the needs of their employer, often staying late to present an image of dedication and loyalty far beyond the normal boundaries of employee/employer relationships. Women who like feeling indispensable are always doing more than is expected of them, in their work place, whether they are asked to do it or not.

The seeds of “people pleasing” behaviour are sown in childhood. Some people have been raised by critical parents and whatever they did was never good enough or they had indifferent parents who never complimented them on a job well done, or praised them with positive feed-back.

Some people grew up in a violent or chaotic environment and quickly learnt not to express how they really felt for fear of abandonment or rejection or, even worse, physical punishment. They learnt the only way to stay alive was to “be seen and not heard”.

A “people pleaser” can be extremely sensitive and highly anxious and is likely to perceive casual remarks as threats to their self-esteem. A “people pleaser” can often show strong emotional reactions, such as getting physically upset (crying), depressed or angry, when they don’t get their own way. Not getting their own way affects their “need to be liked and wanted” and they perceive the perpetrator as the “enemy”. Some “people pleasers” can switch from being “nice and friendly” to “controlling” in a matter of minutes if they don’t get their own way.

“People pleasers” need to retain certain strengths such as empathy and friendliness but temper these with a greater willingness to communicate their own needs to others. Being assertive means being able to state your thoughts, feelings and wants in a way that is respectful of others and also appropriate for the situation. Knowing where to set boundaries between their own desires and needs and the demands of others can take a bit of practice. The end result is improved self-esteem and self-worth.

BRAIN CHEMISTRY

Brain chemistry is another factor to consider if you are hooked on food. It is the interaction between one’s own manufactured “brain chemicals” and one’s behaviour, whether that be ingesting sugar or other chemicals or “acting out” behaviour, that stimulates the brain to establish compulsive and addictive behavioural patterns. Certain neurotransmitters give us an “excessive rush” when we ingest addictive chemicals*, resulting in a compulsion to keep the “feel good” rush coming. We manipulate our moods by looking for stimulants like sugar, alcohol, drugs or nicotine to make us feel better. This behaviour is repeated when we engage in repetitive behaviours like running, overeating, relationship dependency, workaholism, gambling, addictive shopping sprees and sexual activities, to release our inner chemicals that give us that “feel good” rush.

Foods containing sugar are the drug of choice of many co-dependents. Our chemical and behavioural patterns are the results of being co-dependent, not the cause. There is a correlation between brain chemistry, co-dependency and emotional overeating.

Research has shown that overeating may be caused by the neurotransmitter dopamine. Dopamine is a chemical that helps us feel pleasure, thus when we eat, we often feel a slight high. Research has also shown that when we overeat, dopamine receptors are slightly depleted in the brain. In fact, people who have previously had trouble cutting down on food show strong evidence of dopamine receptor depletion. If there are fewer dopamine receptors in the brain, a person will have to eat more just to get that same good feeling. This means that an obese person is going to have to eat a larger amount of food to feel the same amount of pleasure that a slimmer person would feel from a much smaller amount.

The symptoms that may be related to a deficiency in dopamine include:

• Addiction to food, alcohol or other substances
• Cravings
• Excessive appetite
• Inability to experience pleasure or satisfaction
• Mental fatigue
• Light-headedness
• Lack of motivation
• Poor concentration
• Routine-task difficulty
• Decreased physical activity
• Low mood
• Depression

If you would like to know more about the two missing links to emotional overeating, alcohol dependency, in fact, any addictive behaviour, please call me to make an appointment for telephone counselling. You will learn how to:

• Control emotional over-eating
• Eliminate toxic beliefs and negative feelings
• Understand the often-complex nature of brain chemistry and its impact on addictive behaviour, including overeating.
• Develop strategies to help you in your quest to lose weight and keep it off.
• Achieve a healthy weight
• Maintain your goal weight
• Achieve and maintain healthy relationships

For more information about Courage to Change Recovery Program, contact me on (02) 4454 3556 or email counsellor@scoastnet.com.au

Warning: filemtime() [function.filemtime]: stat failed for /home/kusnet/public_html/vhosts/www.couragetochange.com.au/templates/newsletter_2010_04.tpl in /home/kus/webapps/vhosts_old/inc/smarty/sysplugins/smarty_internal_template.php on line 443

Recent updates

Newsletter: Why can't I lose weight?

Blog: Dealing with denial