COURAGE TO CHANGE

NEWSLETTER NO.2 March 2010

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF?

The fact is that many individuals are not comfortable with themselves, and they spend a great deal of energy trying to keep other people from noticing. It is strange that the very thing they want most of all - simple loving contact with others - they make more difficult because of uncertainty about themselves. They feel they cannot make it on their own merits and so resort to pretending they are somebody else.

They wear masks that don't really fit. They pretend they are somebody they're not.

If you really knew me would you still like me? That's a question many people hide from the outside world. If you really knew what was going on inside my head, would you still think I'm OK? So I have to pretend that I'm OK. I have to pretend to the outside world that my inside world is OK, when it's not.

One of the irrational ides we carry around inside our head is the fear that people will not like us if we show our "true colours." Self-consciously we ask ourselves: "what could anybody else really ever see in me?"

Better to cover up the real self, to defend against anyone seeing them as they are. Sometimes this is a tactical retreat into a smothering shyness or "people pleasing" demeanour. At other times the defence of the self is accomplished by offence, by a bold and false aggressiveness that keeps others at arm's length. Men and women who lack self-esteem find themselves very lonely in life. They do not fully understand that they have hacked their way into this isolation. It is easier to believe that life is unfair or the Gods are unkind. Easier to believe or blame outside influences rather than accept the fact that we are sometimes the architects of our own loneliness.

Most people do not ask for much in life. To feel alive they must feel loved. They must sense that somebody else notices and makes room for them, that they measure up in the eyes of somebody else who likes them just as they are. But that seems the impossible dream for those who do not completely like themselves. There is a special stress involved in trying to live so that somebody special will notice you when you are defending yourself against anybody else noticing you at all.

The Enemy is Fear!

Fear about ourselves and people finding out who we really are - leads us to hide, to take the safe but ultimately self-destructive course of non-participation. That is the fear the causes us to hide. When we remain passively fearful, the dangers in life retain their power over us. We cringe in discomfort and try to stay as far away from them as possible. But the right kind of love for ourselves sets us free!

When we love ourselves enough, we gain power over life's dangers. We take away life's fears; we triumph over them because our power to love is greater than life's perceived fears to destroy us.

Letting fear get the better of us can have tragic results. There may be nothing sadder than people who spend their lives talking about what they might have been. The world is full of "what ifs; should haves and if onlys".

What is co-dependency?

When our sense of self-worth, depends on the response of some other person, we are co-dependent. Very few people have heard of co-dependency and its impact on emotional health issues. Co-dependency is learned behaviour that is often passed down from one generation to another. It is an unhealthy emotional and behavioural condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship in all aspects of life - work, love and friendship.

The first complication of co-dependency is chronic low self-esteem, which is a condition of feeling shame and guilt. Shame is a feeling that "I am bad," or "I am ugly." Guilt is a remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.

Dysfunctional families tend to produce shame-based people suffering from chronic low self-esteem. The basis of the shame is anger, rage and misery. Until it is addressed, co-dependency continues to cause suffering through the present and future generations.

Very often a person with a shame-based nature experiences depression. It is impossible for anyone to feel happy if they don't like themselves. There is medication that may help the symptoms of depression, but no drug can heal a person from shame.

People with shame-based and guilt-ridden nature tend to have quite a difficult time with their relationships. Even if they have not done anything wrong, they imagine they have.

Co-dependency is sometimes called "relationship addiction," because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. Co-dependent people rely on others to make them feel better about themselves. They generally have very low self-esteem. That's why I made the statement at the top of this newsletter:

ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH YOURSELF?

For more information about Courage to Change Recovery Program, contact me on (02) 4454 3556 or email counsellor@scoastnet.com.au

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